vivalashelby88 on Xanga

Weblog

Monday, 08 June 2009

Lost Girl.

Ever since I was 6 or 7 years old, I knew my life wouldnt be very easy. I was a happy little girl but was born to face pain.

I remember always wanting to be older for some reason, I knew many things alot of the kids my age hadnt had the slightest clue of. My cousins who I was raised around were all a few years older then me and somehow knew a bunch of adult like stuff that I couldnt help but learn from them. It was difficult to have friends my own age because I felt they were just too innocent for me to hangout with. So I would try to fit in with the older crowd. It was okay at the time but very embarrassing when I look back on it. I dressed up in my mothers hideous huge stripper heels one day

and a mini skirt with bright red lipstick and pounds of eyeshadow, at 8 years old and walked with my 13 year old cousin to the park to meet up with her friends.

I noticed the horrified looks that they all gave me but the laughter of my cousin somehow made me feel it was cool when in reality I was the joke of the day. My parents didnt realize my behavior so therefore, I didnt have anyone around me to let me know the things I did were bad and stupid so I continued on. I wish my parents had a better grasp of where my thinking process were headed but I cant put blame on them. They didnt have the easiest lives either. Which is why Im assuming they werent always civil towards eachother and why my mother had a drug addiction.

At 9 years old, I had a scary thing happen to me. Due to the lack of me attending school and the problems with my parents..I was taken away by Foster Care. I remember I was at school, I was happy and then in comes two strange looking people asking for me. I went with them to the office and found out I had a new home with a complete stranger. This was not only difficult because I loved my parents and didnt understand what the problem was but I was used to not having any bedtime, eating what and when I wanted. Watched whatever I wanted to watch on tv. Then to have to live in a place where my bedtime was 6:30pm, I had to wake up at 5:00am cause the lady just happens to be a computer teacher at the new school Im gonna be attending. All childish tv shows, no movies with curse words. This was just insane to me. She was nice, but she just wasnt anything like my family. I felt so alone. I only got to speak with my mom and dad on the phone 2 times a day. I never felt so alone.

Each night I cried myself to sleep hoping my mom or dad would just knock on the door and take me home with them.
School was hell. The first day I went they had an announcement for Open House, "Tell your mom and dad to come."

Right there, I couldnt help but cry right in front of my classmates. I could have made friends but I was too much of a mess to care. Luckily the first weekend I was living there, I was being babysat by this young girl who was really cool, she let me watch my favorite movie "Shes all That" and let me call my dad who gave me the best news. He told me to pack my stuff up cause the next day I would be going to my grandmas to stay.

So of course I ran and stuffed all my clothes in my backpack. The Foster mom was not informed of this yet so she was very confused the morning when she went to get me an outfit out of one of the drawers and they were completely empty.

She laughed at the fact that I thought I was moving but I laughed right back cause I knew that was the last day I would be seeing her unfamiliar face. Sure enough at school, a couple hours passed and finally I was called to the office. I was so excited, I ran out of the classroom. I lived with my grandma & my aunt for a year or so. During that time, I actually got in touch with my kid side and started doing great in school. My grandma has two binders filled with all the achievements I had made during 2nd and part of 3rd grade. I was proud of myself. Although I felt empty inside there too, it was rough the first few months. Things got easier once my parents were allowed to visit and then I could go off with them for a few hours on the weekends. My parents ended up getting me back when I was 10 almost 11 years old..and thats when my wild side came out again. We had my cousin Tina come live with us cause her parents were total screwups. Boys were a huge part of her life so at age 11, I was already dressing up trying to impress boys simply because that's what she did and made it feel okay for me to do.

I was striving to be older and more mature, just not in a good way. I spent alot of my days unhappy in school and unhappy at home when my parents would argue and sometimes actually fight. I witnessed my mom go through alot of physical and emotional pain and she put my father through alot of mental pain and emotional pain as well. All of that combined tore me apart inside. My cousin was my source of happiness but it wasnt leading to anything good for my future. I started getting into drinking and smoking and actually to the point where at age 12 I had oral sex with a boy who was 4 years older then me. It wasnt looked down on by anyone around me since the only people who knew were my cousin, the boy and his bestfriend.

I later regretted it because I knew in my heart it was wrong and I was angry at myself and my cousin for supporting the hideous actions I made. After two years, my parents had a huge fight which triggered me to let out all my frustrations and regrets on my cousin. I told her to move, and she did. It was a smart choice because I knew if I were to stay following in her footsteps I would end up in a place where I wasnt meant to be.

It all seemed okay at the time but I knew deep inside I was troubled. It did alot of emotional damage to me. Im very insecure. I dont ever feel good enough all because the laughs, dirty looks and how my parents never really showed me a way to go so I looked to my older cousins for guidance and it backfired miserbly.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Is it just me or...

is it messed up when a boy you're with tells another girl she's pretty? None the less, uses the same little line he always says to you. I'm not really a jealous person, it just hurts that I don't care to let any other boys know I think their cute because I already have a cute boy. It just doesn't make sense that boys will try and make a girl feel good knowing that in the process we could get hurt. It's common sense, right? You just don't do things like that. Maybe I'm over reacting but it still bugs me. Blah, thank god were not really too serious even though I would like for us to be. It's a shame he's already putting disappointment on my face..but I should already know from experience that those are things to expect when getting involved with a dude. Sigh..
Do you believe in karma? Why or why not?

Oh yes. Karma sucks bigtime. I know that any of those bad luck days I get, have to do with things I've said or done which weren't so bright or nice in the past. Karma does exist, so its best to not do certain things that you don't want brought back upon you in the long run.